The Joke
Exegete and Tuvor hustled through the alleyway, the while incredible blast still echoed over their heads through the now shattered stillness of the night.
"Damn Lucky If you ask me" Tuvor shot at Exe in a clearly incensed voice. "Great idea this" he went on as the ducked behind a shed.
"Oh It was a good plan and you know it, stop complaining" Exe replied pulling several wood splinters from out the knee material of his breeches. "I can't help it if it didn't work the way I planned it." he added with a winch, pulling a couple splinters out of his left arm. "We should be glad it wasn't worse." he concluded.
"Hummm" Tuvor grunted. "I don't know why I even went along with this scheme." he said angrily, pulling several splinters of his own out of various parts of his anatomy.
"You're just mad because of the splinters in your butt" Exe said, "Here, let me help" he added. ""You really shouldn't have stayed on the roof so long. If you'd have come down when I said, you wouldn't have been there when he woke up, and you wouldn't have slid all the way down."
"You're the one who told me to go up there to begin with" Tuv exploded.
"Shhhssssshhh!" Exe said, "Not so loud"
"Oh like my voice will wake up people that the explosion didn't" Tuv said sarcastically.
"I wasn't thinking about that. There will be patrols now you know" Exe added, busily removing splinters from Tuv's posterior. "Boy, remind me never to surf a cedar shingled roof" He added quietly.
"Ouch! Damn!" Tuvor said, barely keeping his voice under control. "I wish you'd be more careful" he added with a warning tone in his voice. "You and you damn illusions" he muttered. "I knew they were trouble from the first."
"Oh yeah? You didn't say that when we got Dagron to buy us drinks and a good meal by making him think we were twin sisters in town with the Ballet." Exegete reminded him.
Tuvor smiled "Yeah, that was fun." His smile faded. "But I was the one he got fresh with" he said.
"Well, you always were cuter than me" Exe said. "Now be quiet while I finish this."
The evening had started fairly well. Exegete had been studying his new book, "Illusion and the Modern Mage". He had been experimenting with a number of the techniques in the book and was wondering how he could make use of the latest illusion described when the news had come to Strider's back lounge that an ITB High Lord was in NW for the evening. The plan had come together quite nicely over the next couple hours and Exegete and Tuvor had polished the details over a last mug of Mead near curfew time.
Using a basic illusion to give the appearance that they were still in their beds (just in case of a random check by the Knight Commander) they slipped out a window and made their way to the boarding house the ITB High Lord was staying, near Mataga's in the center square in NW. Tuvor's knowledge of the back alleys and secret ways was useful and they arrived unobserved.
The idea of making an illusion of a silver dragon head enter the High Lord's bedchamber window and spew sewage over him was, in Exe's opinion, a perfect one. The ITB's spent an inordinate amount of time in the sewers and so, he reasoned, it would make the High Lord feel more at home. A knight was supposed to be charitable and hospitable after all.
The single difficulty was in getting the parts of the spell matter that needed to be near the illusion to the third story window that was in the High Lord's chamber. That led to Tuvor climbing the building near Mataga's and skulking over near the window. Curious as he was, he wanted to get a look at the inside of the chamber and was precariously perched on the edge of the roof when things began to unravel.
"You and your OUCH! illusions" Tuvor complained in the alley. "Never should have gotten involved! Had to go wrong" he added bitterly.
"How was I to know that he would be sleeping with a wand of fireballs under his pillow." Exe replied. "That's just not normal behavior" he added defensively.
As the illusion began to develop, Tuvor had needed to change his footing and had slipped, making some noise. The High Lord had apparently been a light sleeper, heard the noise, and come up with the wand blazing, so to speak. All very bad luck for Tuvor. He slid down the roof and landed, thankfully, three stories below in Malaga's garbage for the evening. I say thankfully because it both cushioned his fall and shielded from the blast that blew out the entire side wall of the High Lord's bedchamber and set fire to the next several house roofs. Both Exe and Tuvor thought it prudent to depart the area immediately, resulting in their presence a small side alley picking splinters from each other's sundry body parts.
"It's normal for ITB's" Tuvor exploded in a low voice. "OUCH! Are you done yet?"
"Yes, Yes. that's the last one, at least the last one I'll mess with" Exe said. "Your gonna be sore for a while." He added apologetically.
"No stuff I'll be sore" Tuv said. "Be glad I'm in a generous mood or you'd be sore for longer" he added.
"Sounds like there are patrols all over the place" Exe said, poking his head over the fence and looking out into the main street.
"Geez, can't understand that. Somebody blow-up half of the square and sets fire to the other half and everybody doesn't just go back to sleep" Tuvor replied, pulling some bits of cucumber from his hair.
"You don't have to be snippy" Exe said turning back toward Tuvor. "You missed a bit of tomato there, by you right ear. Smells like Italian Dressing" he added, sniffing.
"Get away from me" Tuvor said, shaking the last of the salad from his hair. "Let's get out of here - Augustus won't be fooled long by those lame illusions you put in our beds. I definitely don't want any questions about this nights work."
They moved out of the yard, and down more of the alleys an paths back toward the KORT Barracks near Strider's. they moved stealthily and quietly, using all of their cunning and every bit of their experience to remain unseen and unobserved in their progress.
So it came as quite a surprise when they found themselves almost within spitting distance of an ITB Patrol. They were practically within sight of teh KORT Dorm, right at the corner near Strider's when the patrol came out of the alleyway that led to the sewers.
"Well" Tuvor said. "Lookee here - Skorpie and few buddies"
"Tuv, we don't have time for this" Exe said in a warning tone of voice. "Let's just go back to the dorm"
But Tuvor wasn't listening. You know how he gets sometimes. "Hey Skorpie!" he called. "You still the only pervert in your family?" he called stepping out of the shadows.
The six footmen with Skorp were obviously only recent recruits. The newness of their uniforms clearly showed that. Their halberds looked sharp enough though and the Sergeant that was with them was clearly a veteran.
"Tuvor, you charmer you" Exe murmured as he drew his Pike and readied himself for the party he knew would follow.
"Freeze Wuss" came Skorp's voice, the closest thing to a verbal sneer that Exe had ever heard.
"That's what I like about you Skorpie" Tuvor said "Always such a pleasure to run into" "You take the footmen and I'll entertain Skorp" he murmured to Exe in a low voice.
"Sure, no prob" Exe replied in a low voice he hoped was dripping with sarcasm, but was more likely the dry croak of a frog. Exe readied a bit of sand in preparation of the sleep spell he would cast. Murmuring a few words he blew the dust toward the soldiers and one by one the each fell asleep, slumping to the pavement, their halberds clattering to the ground with what seemed to be an abnormally loud noise. That left the Sergeant to deal with.
"Be careful Milord" the Sergeant intoned drawing his Long Sword. "There's another of 'em in the shadows there"
"I see him. Prolly Tubor's little buddy Excrement" Skorp replied.
Tuvor moved to the left and Exe exited the shadows to the right an circled toward the Sergeant, his pike at the ready, not time for another spell. Tuv finished casting a protection spell and began to cast another, offensive spell, even as the glow from his first spell was still fading. Exe heard Skorp murmuring the words of an incantation as he closed with the Sergeant and that matter began to take all of his attention. "If I was you friend" Exe said as he circled the Sergeant "I'd find another line of work"
"Shaddup and fight" the Sergeant growled as he feinted with his sword. he followed the feint with an attempted bash with his shield and then an overhand chop with the sword which Exe easily deflected with his own shield and, ducking inside his guard, rapped him in the teeth with a gauntleted hand. The Sergeant feel back a pace, spitting blood, and launched a series of thrusts and sweeps.
"You're a lovely dancer" Exe said sweetly as he dodged and parried the flurry of blows. "But..." he added after a few more moments, "I like to lead". And with that he launched a series of cunning blows that lead the Sergeant raising his guard against what he thought was a coming overhand chop. Exe dropped to the ground and swept the legs from under the Sergeant with the butt of his Pike. the Sergeant fell with a clash of armor, losing his grip on his long sword momentarily. Exe leaped to his feet, and in a bare half second had kicked the Sergeant into unconsciousness as he tried to rise. "Sorry" Exe said quickly. "No seconds"
Exe turned quickly to see how things were between Tuvor and Skorp in time to see the flash of magic and the glow of a hold spell settle on Tuvor. "Damn" Exe murmured. Skorp was already in the beginning stages of casting another spell, Cloud Kill from what Exe could make out. Exe knew he didn't have many spell left himself, most of his energy having gone to set up the illusion at the High Lord's bed chamber. He scanned his memory, considering what he did have left. Nothing that the protect spells wouldn't turn aside he realized with increasing panic. Wait! A smile crossed his lips. He did have a couple illusions prepared, just in case. Exe grabbed in his pouch for the components. Tuvor would understand, he hoped. He spread them to the breeze wafting across the square and murmured the incantation. It took but a moment for the illusion to settle.
Skorp opened his eyes for the final part of the cast he was doing and his eyes fell on Tuvor to target the spell. What he saw completely destroyed his concentration and burst out laughing, almost falling to the ground. That gave Exe the time to cast the Flash/bang effect. A loud thunderclap rolled across the square and a brilliant light illuminated the sky, and kept it illuminated. Skorp cursed and looked around knowing that he hadn't time to finish his business with Tuvor. He faded quickly into the alley he had come from, abandoning his patrol to the coming KORT guards.
Exe quickly approached Tuvor. "Sorry Tuv, I'll make it up to you, it was all I could think of" Exe whispered in Tuvor's ear. "Don't have a dispel or I'd take you with me." He looked over Tuvor's still "held" form. Surpressing a smile he said "I really am sorry Tuv" and with that was gone into the shadows, circling the barracks to enter from the rear.
Curses and shouts came from the KORT barracks and the sound of running feet followed as the knights on watch poured out of the entrance into the square. Augustus V, Knight Commander of KORT strode out onto the square, surveying the sleeping ITB footmen and the unconscious Sergeant of the guard. "What the hell. . ." he said to Berrun and Dagron who had by now emerged from the building. they both shrugged and looked at one another.
"Over here Augie" came the lilting voice of the Lady Allsfaire, and obvious smile in her voice. "You've got to see this" She stood with a group of KORT'ers encircling something further over in the square. Augustus made his way over and the group parted to let him through.
There in the middle of crowd, clad in a pink skin tight TuTu, Arms frozen over his head in a pirouette, was Tuvor, Knight of the Round Table.
Augustus stopped dead in his tracks, then smiled, then laughed out loud. He circled Tuvor once.
"You know, not everybody can wear a TuTu with combat boots" was his only comment.
"Yeah" Allsfaire Agreed. "And on him . . . . . . . .It looks good!"