Grief

Joraina slammed the door of her chambers and began to pace her room, sobbing and running her hands through her hair, wildly. She tore her uncle's ring from her finger and hurled it away. It bounced off the wall with a metallic "ping" and rolled under the bed. She dropped to her knees on the floor but made no effort to retrieve the ring. She only knelt there, sobbing, and trying to find the words to pray.

She knew that she should be thanking Tyr for allowing Sir Dagron to live long enough to provide the cure for her... a cure that only he could give. But she was filled with such anger and bitterness at his loss that it seemed her heart had been ripped from her and only a black space filled with guilt remained. Before she could stop the words from escaping her lips, she was crying out her grief to Tyr.

"How could you let him die?!"

She clapped her hand over her mouth immediately, gasping and trembling. She had intended to stay in her room until she was able to control the black anger and shame that was building within her. But now she was overwhelmed with a desire to run... to escape Camelot and the memory of Sir Dagron lying weak on the floor... while his blood served a cure to a girl he had barely known.

Joraina struggled to her feet, threw open her door, and ran. She ran as fast as she could with no idea where she was going, passing through the gates of Camelot just as the sun was beginning to set.

It seemed that she had been running for hours, stumbling into minor battles every so often and fighting with such rage that she was in danger of harming herself. Finally she found herself alone in a room and she collapsed on the floor in the darkness.

She lay on her back, catching her breath and trying to slow the wild beating of her heart. As she became more relaxed, she found herself remembering the last words that she had exchanged with Sir Dagron.

She had been with Aldrous and Zilcore, exploring Triboar Under. All the time that they were in Triboar, she was distracted by thoughts of Kal Mirage... expecting at any moment that they would turn a corner and come upon him. In an attempt to turn these fears aside she had begun to think about Sir Dagron and how he had saved her. She wanted to find a way to thank him, but no gift seemed great enough to repay what he had done for her.

Zilcore was called away suddenly before the group of pages were able to complete their quest. Perhaps aware of Jo's distraction, Aldrous suggested that they return to Camelot and attempt the quest again another day. Sir Dagron was in Camelot when they returned and Jo found herself feeling nervous about speaking to him. She managed to stammer out her thanks and begged that he call on her if she could ever do anything for him in return. He told her how his Drow blood had been a secret between himself and Sir Vinman for a long time and she felt even more regretful at having caused him the pain of revealing his innermost self. But he assured her that she had not caused him any shame and he told her that he had only one request to make of her... "Become a knight." With confidence, she had replied, "That I will do, Sir."

Now she lay on her back, exhausted by grief and rage, tears spilling down her cheeks as she stared into the darkness. She no longer felt sure of her future in Camelot. She only felt shame and self-hatred.

"Who are you to indulge in this grief?" she asked herself aloud. "Only a page who had known him a short time. If you feel this destoyed by the loss, imagine the pain of the knights who have called him brother for so many years... You should be in Camelot now, praying for Sir Dagron. Not wallowing in self-pity here..."

She looked around herself suddenly, barely able to see in the dim light. The way her voice echoed when she spoke... it was familiar. The sounds, the smells of this place... Suddenly she knew where she was and she sat up quickly. The Gallant Prince.

"I'm a fool, doomed to make the same mistakes again and again," she thought. Still she made no move to get up and leave the ship. She only sat there, remembering Sir Dagron's sacrifice to her, recalling the dreams she'd had of Kal Mirage during the time of the cure, and feeling responsible for the knight's death.

"I don't deserve to be in Camelot," she thought. "Sir Vinman was correct when he said he saw an emptiness within me that night. I am lacking something that would have protected one who is worthy of being a knight. And my weakness brought evil into the home of my family."

She squeezed her eyes shut as tears flowed down her cheeks. She didn't open her eyes, even when she heard the thud of heavy footsteps on the old wood of the ship. Blindly she spoke to the figure that walked up before her.

"Take me if you will. I haven't the strength to fight you. But I'll not be your slave. I haven't even will enough to serve myself, much less a KAAOS god."

She kept her eyes tightly shut and closed her her heart to all her memories of Camelot and Sir Dagron. She only sat there waiting for Kal Mirage to take her again.